Getting over my fears, my anxiety, my abuse is not a straight process. It’s not one step ahead every day. It’s sometimes a dead-end, other times many steps back when the things I thought are behind me, flare up again.
I don’t know what’s causing them, little things, insignificant things can call them up, and I feel I’m back in that dark corner again, with the pack against me, all alone. I know Missy is here, I know she protects me but sometimes she asks too much. And it’s not too much in the general scope of things, but it’s too much for my own headspace. And then I panic. I panic because what if I don’t do what she wants, and she puts me back into the shed that I had lived before I knew her.
I still don’t know how I escaped, who took me out of there when I was so beaten, I almost died. So I don’t know what it takes to end up there again. I know if I’m a good girl, Missy is happy, she rewards me, and all is well. But those times, when I can’t be a good girl, when things are too scary to do what I should, terrify me with the thought that I’ll be punished again.
I want to do so well, I want to please Missy so she has no reason to get rid of me, but sometimes I cannot. Sometimes it’s hard to find my footing again in this soft marsh of life that constantly threatens to swallow me again. Sometimes my safe path turns back on itself before I can find the way forward.
It takes patience to deal with these apparent setbacks but each of them makes me stronger, more confident, more trusting. It’s a long and winding journey but I’m not giving up, I’m walking it day by day. It’s about the distance, not the line.
7 thoughts on “The journey is long and winding”
Oh, I think I know just how you are feeling! My 6 month old puppy I got only 2 weeks ago was adopted at 7 weeks, then returned to the shelter 4 months later. They didn’t “like” what his DNA test showed. His puppy training class trainer told me we just don’t know if he was ‘punished” during that time, or how he was treated, because he has some problems. She thinks he snarls at us because he is “afraid something bad is going to happen” when he misbehaves. It makes me so sad. Missy loves you, and even when you do naughty things (and everybody does, even Missy!) she still loves you. How confusing for you, even with a lovely home now. Like my sweet Mickey, I’m a stranger to him and I am asking him to trust me. Why should he? Missy and I need to give you and Mickey a lot of patient love.
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Poor thing, what a shock it must’ve been to get returned! Even if he wasn’t physically hurt, this had to cause him emotional pain and distrust. 😦 But now he has you, your understanding and patience!
We have a rescue cat and it took time for him to realise he didn’t have to fight for his food and that he would always have somewhere warm to sleep. He came from a house that hoarded cats, and as he was quite small we think he often missed out on food – he used to inhale his food because he was eating so fast, whereas now he’s cheeky enough to come and tell us his bowl is empty again and the vet has even commented that he’s a bit too cuddly for his size.
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Life’s journey can be so unpredictable, but it’s the surprises we encounter along the way that makes the road worth traveling. It’s so nice to find that special companion to join us on at least part of that journey.
Tossing It Out
Well, this is relatable. I’m glad your dog is in a safe home now, even if it is taking some getting used to. How scary to not know who to trust and how much you can trust them.
Poor Mia. ❤ You are in a good place now and healing takes time and some wounds may always be with us but you are obviously so loved that it will be okay. It will be okay.