Zigzag walk

As I haven’t much insisted on proper walking manners (spending most of our walks in the outskirts and in forests it’s not a necessity), Mia has developed a style that’s cute when I’m alone, almost annoying when someone is walking with us.

This type of zigzag walk happens often. Mia is such a joyful creature, loves life so much that she cannot get enough of it. She wants to experience everything, she wants take it all in. It makes me smile the way she cannot commit.

And yet, if I see the same behaviour in a human, in myself, it’s less about joy, more about being disorganised, weak even. Why the double standards?

It feels like I’ve always been pushed and pulled between the free spirit and the methodical. Running about in our small village without supervision vs having to be the constant, the reliable in my single mom’s life. Wanting to be a teacher helping kids vs needing money and deciding to learn economics. Being drawn to spirituality vs finding a husband who works in IT and as logical as they come.

Not to mention controlling.

He was excellent at criticising so cleverly that I felt compelled to change myself to avoid his judgement. I wasn’t knowledgeable in politics? I started reading the news. I wanted to meditate? He ridiculed me for believing in something not seen, not scientifically proven.

Even after I left him, his voice hasn’t left me. It has become that small but loud and persistent inner critic that we all have – except mine was real. “Don’t be ridiculous, don’t believe in something bigger than you, art & imagination will get you nowhere” – and of course the worst and constant “you’re not good enough”.

I tried being logical, predictable, factual – I was good at it but I suffered.

I tried releasing my bohemian but I constantly felt guilty.


Where do I belong?

Can I get back to who I was before everyone imprinted their dreams and desires on me?

This month might have seemed to focus on Mia, and ChatGPT but the witchling was the one that’s grown this whole time. The witchling that’s me. The Hungarian Witch who’s getting there. And a new series to follow the journey.

This post is part of the A to Z blogging challenge of April 2023.
Topic of this year is “The AI, the dog and the witchling”, real and fictional stories partially written/inspired by Artificial Intelligence, featuring Mia and Missy.
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4 thoughts on “Zigzag walk

  1. I’m currently reading a book that tackles all the things you are wondering about yourself and doing the steps — and it might be possible to get back to the person you were before everyone decided who you are. Remember: you are good enough. Mia knows this, you just need to believe it.
    Throw Out Fifty Things: Clear the Clutter, Find Your Life https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/5892636-throw-out-fifty-things

    Ronel visiting for Z:
    My Languishing TBR: Z
    Zoo: Faery Frogs


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